Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize