my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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