Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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