I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
