life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Randomize
