Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This baby is an asshole
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
