I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
