im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
