I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
