I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
