It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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