grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize