The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
