Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A+ Viking dick
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
