just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
