I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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