Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
