The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
