it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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