Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
