Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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