Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
