I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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