Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
