I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
