cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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