FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
