I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
