party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just threw up on my dentist
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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