He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
