when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
