I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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