The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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