I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
