he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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