I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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