I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
