bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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