The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
