dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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