Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
