Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
