foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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