I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
