I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize