tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She told me I should be a condom model.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
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