Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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