Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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