I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize