Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
