I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
cat food counts as protein by the way
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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