Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
