I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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