the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
