Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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