i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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