She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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