Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
