if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
